Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
