So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
