The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize