people are starting to question the shark bite story
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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