When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
