I hope mine doesn't look like that
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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