Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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