So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
