There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize