dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
