ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I need to sanitize my soul.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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