You just made me feel so damn special
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
