Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
