I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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