Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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