I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
