I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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