I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
