god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
