you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
