You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
