They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
