are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
