It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
