Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
