I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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