sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
