It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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