just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
