i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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