Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize