Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
His nipple licking is glorious
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