Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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