I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
