If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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