I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
