My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
