New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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