That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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