you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
