I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
