I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
