I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
