listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Blood and glitter go together right?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
