yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
