I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
