textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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