our cab driver is having phone sex.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
