I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize