Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
as a side note pls kill me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
