Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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