I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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