but the lizard people decide everything anyway
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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