saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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