imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
