also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
