i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
