saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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