If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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