So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
